In light of Mother’s Day and because I am an aspiring strict dolphin Chinese parent, I finally had the opportunity to set aside uninterrupted time to read the somewhat polarising/controversial “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua originally published in 2011. Note while reading it that it is not meant to be a parenting how-to guide, but about her journey and transformation as a parent, and relationship with her daughters.
I found it no-nonsense, rather condescending and blunt at parts, amusing, engrossing, and altogether, highly insightful. Although I can predict that a lot of people would be offended by it, I think it’s good to read it with a slight suspension of belief. It made me seriously consider my future parenting approach in a more proactive manner, in terms of which elements of being a “Tiger Mother” such as discipline style I would embody. I like that she clearly outlined her personal family history, which provided a lot of historical and cultural context.
Chinese parenting has been known to produce immaculate results, due to stringent discipline standards. I myself recall being raised in the Singapore education system, which is very rigorous and somewhat stressful, but instilled in a lot of us Chinese students an indisputable work ethic. In fact, I am still in touch with some of my Singaporean teachers, and am indebted to their efforts and persistence for my near-perfect grades ;) I am certain that many of my peers who grew up in Asian societies can attest to a similar experience. Please note that quotes in bold are taken directly from the novel for context.
The author begins with “This was supposed to be a story of how Chinese parents are better at raising kids than Western ones. But instead, it’s about a bitter clash of cultures, a fleeting taste of glory, and how I was humbled by a thirteen-year-old.”
Part One
The tiger, the living symbol of strength and power, generally inspires fear and respect.
The Chinese Mother
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids.
I like how she qualified that she was not bashing Western parenting styles. “Western parents come in all varieties. In fact, I’ll go out on a limb and say that Westerners are far more diverse in their parenting styles than the Chinese.” However, she re-asserts herself by stating that “All the same, even when Western parents think they’re being strict, they usually don’t come close to being Chinese mothers.” Diligence and discipline is heavily emphasized in Chinese culture.
“I came to see that Chinese parents have two things over their Western counterparts: (1) higher dreams for their children, and (2) higher regard for their children in the sense of knowing how much they can take.” By setting the standards and goals high, and developing a more disciplined and structured approach, Chinese parents believe their children can achieve more. Of course, she wants her children “to be well rounded and to have hobbies and activities”, specifically “a hobby that was meaningful and highly difficult with the potential for depth and virtuosity.”
“I found strength and confidence in my peculiar family. We started off as outsiders together, and we discovered America together, becoming Americans in the process.” Mrs. Chua wanted to make sure that her children were “deeper and more cultivated than her parents and I were” as she was determined not to raise a “soft and entitled child”. I find this smart in the sense that she wants to prevent her children from growing up to lack meticulousness, a solid work ethic and academic achievements. Often, in the book, her husband is portrayed to be more passive and reluctant to implement some of her more far-fetched ideas. Jed definitely features more minorly in the novel, and provides the necessary equilibrium for his children, when his wife has decidedly overambitious plans for them.
One of the author’s dad’s bedrock principles was “Never complain or make excuses. If something seems unfair at school, just prove yourself by working twice as hard and being twice as good.”
“I tried to demand as much respect from the girls as my parents did of me. This is where I was least successful. Growing up, I was terrified of my parents’ disapproval.” I think this is a sentiment a lot of us can relate to as Asian parents tend to have high expectations and standards of us, and particular ways of implementing things. I do think this is a good thing as it sets the bar high, however, as the author said, it is a tad challenging to impose such rules on wilful young girls.
Another sentiment which many of us can relate to - “As the eldest daughter of Chinese immigrants, I don’t have time to improvise or make up my own rules. I have a family name to uphold, aging parents to make proud. I like clear goals, and clear ways of measuring success.” This would definitely be the clear benchmark I hold for my future children.
“In retrospect, these coaching suggestions seem a bit extreme. On the other hand, they were highly effective. Sophia and I were a great mother-daughter fit. I had the conviction and the tunnel-vision drive. Sophia had the maturity, patience, and empathy I should have had, but didn’t. She accepted my premise that I knew and wanted what was best for her - and she cut me a break when I was bad-tempered or said hurtful things.”
By far one of the most insightful passages reads as follows. “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something - whether it’s math, piano, pitching, of ballet - he or she gets praise, admiration, and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.” I find this method a lot less stringent, and more based on positive reinforcement, which is a healthy and productive route to success. If any parent wants their child to excel in a certain area and not be mediocre, I do believe this is the right mindset.
“One jarring thing that many Chinese people do is openly compare their children.” This might cause unnecessary and unhealthy competition among siblings - and it’s good for both children to develop their own strengths and individual personalities, whilst still supporting one another.
“My goal as a parent is to prepare you for the future, not to make you like me.” I disagreed with this as I think liking and respecting a parent are not mutually exclusive, and could actually be complementary. In fact, as with a lot of my peers, as we age, we tend to identify and empathize more with our parents and the sacrifices they made to bring us up in the way they deemed to be great.
“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is fully preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.” The dichotomy between Asian and Western parents is quite striking.
Chapter 21: The Debut and the Audition
The last thing I said to her was, “You’re going to be great. When you’ve worked as hard as you have, you know you’ve done everything you can, and it doesn’t matter now what happens.” She comes across as more encouraging here, determined because she knows her daughter has invested her best effort. Indeed, “According to Sophia, it was one of the happiest days of her life.”
Chapter 22: A Blowout in Budapest
The Chinese parenting approach is weakest when it comes to failure; it just doesn’t tolerate that possibility. The Chinese model turns on achieving success. That’s how the virtuous circle of confidence, hard work, and more success is generated. I knew that I had to make sure Lulu achieved that success - at the same level as Sophia - before it was too late. This was a very interesting paragraph on the limitations of Chinese parenting, as well as how to perpetuate the circle of success. Also, the negative implications of one sibling achieving greater success than the other sibling is a cause for concern. Then again, if framed correctly, isn’t some form of rivalry healthy and stimulating?
Part Three
“Tigers are capable of great love, but they become too intense about it. They are also territorial and possessive. Solitude is often the price Tigers pay for their position of authority.” This just about describes the author’s mother in a nutshell. I do really respect and admire the lengths to which the mother goes to to ensure the success of her children, although some of her techniques are rather harsh.
Certain recurring themes which particularly piqued my interest came up. Chua is tough with her children because, like many Chinese people, she thinks of childhood as a significant investment and an ideal time to shape one’s children, one that will pay off dividends once the children develops into an adult. However, she has quite a narrow perspective and did not account for the child’s overall happiness and how all-rounded or street-smart they are, which is honestly, more significant in building their success in Western society.
Reading this book made me more aware and better equipped of parental techniques used by Chinese parents. I actually enjoyed its intensity and guaranteed good outcomes, and think a lot of current and aspiring parents can learn from it. In any case, it sets the table for a deeper discussion and dive into the all-important topics of Asian Parenting, Motherhood, Success as an Asian-American or Asian-Canadian in Western society. A Mother’s Day week well spent indeed.
Definitely comment below if you read the book and have thoughts to share :)